When your kid is creepy

Brock, bickering with a playmate: "You are being mean to me today. But you should know, I have a dark side. And I'm older than you."
Playmate: "Well, I'm 5."
Brock: "I'm 5, too, but I'm two months older, and like I said, I have a dark side."

Gold diggers

This is a "plan" Brock has drawn up for spotting gold diggers when he starts dating someday. Basically, he plans to tie a coin to a string and see if they try to pick it up. If so, he pulls the coin back and finds someone else. He's 5, people.

That's gonna be one long signature

Brock: " 'Bigger and better' is my middle name!"
Me: "I thought your middle name was 'cold.' " (from earlier today)
Brock: "I have lots of middle names. Remember 'Poopface McGruder?' "

But what if your personality sucks?

Brock (5): "I'm sad I have this big, purple bump on my head. (*sigh*) But at least I still have my personality. "

What about bloody snowmen?

Brock (age 5): "I was painting and thought, 'maybe it should rain blood.' Then I thought, 'No, too violent. Maybe it should just rain snowmen."

Smack talk

(This is a way-old picture of him, from his pre-smartass days.)

Brock (5), to his ball as he prepared to tee off :

"Here, let me show you to your table."

What else could you do with it?

Brock (5):

"What should I make with this scrap of paper? Maybe a creative wig. You're right...too obvious."

When miracles become nightmares

Brock (age 5):

"Last night, I was telling my fish goodnight. I said, 'Goodnight my little nightmares.' Then I thought, 'nightmares? No, that's not right. What's the word? Ah, yes. Miracles. Goodnight my little miracles.'"

Oh, no problem then.

Brock,5, in backseat: "Wow. I can't believe how much sand is in my shoes!"
Me: "Wait, are you just dumping sand out all over the floor of my car??"
Brock: "NO! Geez. I'm dumping it on the seats."

How dare I

Brock, who turned 5 two months ago, just accused me of trying to take away his dignity.
(In case you're wondering, I asked him to put a washcloth in the hamper since he was already on his way to put some clothes in there.)

Broken heart

Brock (5) got sent to his room, and when I went up there a little later he asked if I would help him draw a heart. Then he held it up and I thought he was going to tell me he loved me. Instead, he ripped it and told me that was just like how I just broke his heart when I punished him. The drama with this one.

Chop chop

Me (as we leave pool): I remember when I was a kid and swimming made me hungrier than anything else!
Brock (almost 5): More than chopping down trees?

I will have to get in touch with my inner lumberjack and get back to him, I guess.

Why, thank you!

Brock (4), poking my boobs:

"Those are like pillowy soft baby butts."

Someday, he will be horrified when I tell him these things.

Easter is canceled

Me: uh-oh.
Brock: what?
Me: there was a dead rabbit in the street. Hit by a car.
Brock, nonchalantly and seriously: oh, it's probably the Easter Bunny.

The best things come in HUGE packages

Brock, age 4: "The best gift is family. Now, some people might hear that and wonder how a bunch of people fit in a box, but really it's just something you SAY."

Ka-Ching!

We were leaving Smith's and there was a boy at one of those change machines. It was counting his change, making that plink-plink sound, and Brock says loudly, "Boy, that guy is really gambling A LOT!"

No comprende

Me, getting Brock (3) dressed: "We're going to go for a casual look today. Casual means 'relaxed and easy.'"
Brock: "So 'casual' is Spanish for that?"

Close, but ...

Brock (3) was rambling on about something and then: "... and we will use the bodies for firewood."
Me: "What? We'll use bodies for firewood?"
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "Where did you learn that?"
Him: "Caillou. They did it on Caillou. Oh, wait. No, it was trees they used for firewood."

Just a light beating, please

Mark (teasing Brock): "I think you need a spanking."
Brock: "No! I don't! Or, if I do, I need a soft one."

Dem toofas

Awesome artwork by Saccstry on deviantArt
- http://saccstry.deviantart.com/art/Tooth-Fairies-347527897

Brock: Do I have more teeth above these ones?
Me: Yes, they will come out in just a few years. Then the tooth fairy will come!
Brock: The tooth fairy is creepy.
Me: Well, maybe I could act as the go between, because it is kind of creepy that she comes in your room while you sleep. You could give me the tooth, and she'll give me the money and I'll pass it on to you.
Brock: No. The tooth fairy is creepy and I have plenty of money already.