When your kid is creepy

Brock, bickering with a playmate: "You are being mean to me today. But you should know, I have a dark side. And I'm older than you."
Playmate: "Well, I'm 5."
Brock: "I'm 5, too, but I'm two months older, and like I said, I have a dark side."

Gold diggers

This is a "plan" Brock has drawn up for spotting gold diggers when he starts dating someday. Basically, he plans to tie a coin to a string and see if they try to pick it up. If so, he pulls the coin back and finds someone else. He's 5, people.

That's gonna be one long signature

Brock: " 'Bigger and better' is my middle name!"
Me: "I thought your middle name was 'cold.' " (from earlier today)
Brock: "I have lots of middle names. Remember 'Poopface McGruder?' "

But what if your personality sucks?

Brock (5): "I'm sad I have this big, purple bump on my head. (*sigh*) But at least I still have my personality. "

What about bloody snowmen?

Brock (age 5): "I was painting and thought, 'maybe it should rain blood.' Then I thought, 'No, too violent. Maybe it should just rain snowmen."