When miracles become nightmares

Brock (age 5):

"Last night, I was telling my fish goodnight. I said, 'Goodnight my little nightmares.' Then I thought, 'nightmares? No, that's not right. What's the word? Ah, yes. Miracles. Goodnight my little miracles.'"

Oh, no problem then.

Brock,5, in backseat: "Wow. I can't believe how much sand is in my shoes!"
Me: "Wait, are you just dumping sand out all over the floor of my car??"
Brock: "NO! Geez. I'm dumping it on the seats."

How dare I

Brock, who turned 5 two months ago, just accused me of trying to take away his dignity.
(In case you're wondering, I asked him to put a washcloth in the hamper since he was already on his way to put some clothes in there.)

Broken heart

Brock (5) got sent to his room, and when I went up there a little later he asked if I would help him draw a heart. Then he held it up and I thought he was going to tell me he loved me. Instead, he ripped it and told me that was just like how I just broke his heart when I punished him. The drama with this one.

Chop chop

Me (as we leave pool): I remember when I was a kid and swimming made me hungrier than anything else!
Brock (almost 5): More than chopping down trees?

I will have to get in touch with my inner lumberjack and get back to him, I guess.

Why, thank you!

Brock (4), poking my boobs:

"Those are like pillowy soft baby butts."

Someday, he will be horrified when I tell him these things.

Easter is canceled

Me: uh-oh.
Brock: what?
Me: there was a dead rabbit in the street. Hit by a car.
Brock, nonchalantly and seriously: oh, it's probably the Easter Bunny.

The best things come in HUGE packages

Brock, age 4: "The best gift is family. Now, some people might hear that and wonder how a bunch of people fit in a box, but really it's just something you SAY."

Ka-Ching!

We were leaving Smith's and there was a boy at one of those change machines. It was counting his change, making that plink-plink sound, and Brock says loudly, "Boy, that guy is really gambling A LOT!"

No comprende

Me, getting Brock (3) dressed: "We're going to go for a casual look today. Casual means 'relaxed and easy.'"
Brock: "So 'casual' is Spanish for that?"

Close, but ...

Brock (3) was rambling on about something and then: "... and we will use the bodies for firewood."
Me: "What? We'll use bodies for firewood?"
Him: "Yeah."
Me: "Where did you learn that?"
Him: "Caillou. They did it on Caillou. Oh, wait. No, it was trees they used for firewood."

Just a light beating, please

Mark (teasing Brock): "I think you need a spanking."
Brock: "No! I don't! Or, if I do, I need a soft one."

Dem toofas

Awesome artwork by Saccstry on deviantArt
- http://saccstry.deviantart.com/art/Tooth-Fairies-347527897

Brock: Do I have more teeth above these ones?
Me: Yes, they will come out in just a few years. Then the tooth fairy will come!
Brock: The tooth fairy is creepy.
Me: Well, maybe I could act as the go between, because it is kind of creepy that she comes in your room while you sleep. You could give me the tooth, and she'll give me the money and I'll pass it on to you.
Brock: No. The tooth fairy is creepy and I have plenty of money already.

Hungry?

Brock (3) was washing his hands tonight. He wanted me to stay there with him.

"Stay! ... Stay for lunch!"

long pause ...

"I've just always wanted to say that."

My thinking finger

Brock (3): "I need to put my finger on my face because I'm thinking hard about something. (Pause) Hmmmm. Maybe I need to try my other finger instead."

Thank goodness for iPhone calendars for toddlers ...

Brock: "Good news! I have some time to play with you right now."

Life is tough when you're 3

Brock, on painting: *Sigh* "It's more work than fun."

Describing the scribbles on a picture he drew at school

"Mommy! Look at my picture! This is the booger that fell out of my nose, and so is this!"

I hope not ...

"Hello? Hello? Is anyone in my penis?"

Where pizza comes from ...

Brock: Pizza is "dairy."
Me: Yes. Well, the cheese is.
Brock: Is pepperoni dairy?
Me: No. It also comes from animals, though.
Brock: Do animals poop?
Me: Yes. They eat and poop.
Brock, after a long pause, eyeing his pizza: So ... they poop out pizza?